Post by laura4484 on Apr 26, 2017 18:14:17 GMT
I wrote this a few years ago but it's still relevant to me today.
After
In the hallway leading to the living room I see my stepfather David watching TV from his favorite spot on the couch. I’m not at all surprised by the lack of acknowledgement to my presence. On the TV a news anchor talks using words that might as well be gibberish and it makes me wish I had more interest in what is happening in the world today.
I sidetrack to the kitchen and see my brother Michael sitting at the kitchen table Staring at nothing and waiting for god knows what. The blank look on his face makes me want to say something silly to get him to smile but the impulse sticks in my throat. For a moment I worry about all the time he must spend alone but I push the thought aside because I know he’s not really.
I turn from the kitchen, side stepping David as he ambles in like a goon from the brut squad. Once again this is something I’ve become accustomed to. Tap dancing around family like I’ll be putting my life in danger if I even come close to contact. He passes by and I can feel that numbness expanding like a shield of stone, hardening the shell a hairsbreadth more.
I go to the living room and take my usual seat on the sofa, not bothering with the complicated mechanism for the recliner. A moment later my mom comes in, still silent. I have nothing to say. Every thought is erased the second it comes. Every word I want to say feels like a disappointment. I can hear the responding sigh to each admission of my failure in what I’d been tasked to do. Now the hard numbness ebbs into an all-encompassing empty.
David returns to the room and they start talking, smiling and laughing. I see them together in my mind and know my mom has never been happier. The thought brings tears to my eyes but I blink them away. On the TV the channels flip by as David surfs through them. I can hear my brother’s TV on in his room and I wonder why he rarely joins us here in the living room.
As the hours pass by I’m content to simply sit here in my shell, invisible and watching the world slip by. An aching feeling begs me to make my presence known and interact but I push the desire away. I’m afraid I’ll ruin something I don’t know how to name. Eventually my parents eat and once more my presence is passed over. I’m only slightly surprised but my lack of hunger keeps me quiet as the hours tic by.
As 10PM approaches I standup, gathering together my bag of belongings that I still don’t remember bringing. That thought dims though as I walk to the front door and notice no one has followed to see me out. I wait, more time passes and I resist the urge to simply storm out. I glance at the doorknob but an unknown fear fills me as the silence of the house meets my ears. I wonder back to the living room in the quiet darkness, wondering where everyone is. Standing outside my parent’s bedroom door I can hear the slight sound of snoring sleep and wonder how they got to sleep so quickly. An unexpected jarring sound startles me from that thought sending a wave of prickling fear through the numbness.
The phone is answered only after a few rings and I hear my mother’s voice. It’s quiet at first and then an urgent panic raises the tone. I stare at the door, willing myself to go through but the fear of being unwelcomed grips me tight. Inside I hear my mother breathing heavily and David trying to calm her. The worry rips at my heart and I glance away. In that moment I see a flash of my mother standing next to me as David’s voice grows louder. A second later she’s gone and I can hear her moaning inside. My vision starts to blur from nonexistent tears and I fall to my knees as the realization sets in. I try to hold on to this moment, this place, the sound of my mother’s tears, but I can feel the empty numb shell swallow me into oblivion. Memories pass and fade, silence burns, and I gasp for the breath I can no longer take.
After
I wake up late in the afternoon. The weightless feeling from my dream stays with me as I rise. The time it takes me to go through my routine before leaving goes by so fast that I barely remember walking out my apartment door. The emotional numbness to which I’ve become accustomed brings a flash of shaky hands as I approach my car. Taking the hint I opt to walk to my mom’s house instead. As I walk down the street the words from familiar songs fill my senses through headphones I don’t recall putting on; but the fleeting thought is ignored and I continue on.
Arriving at her front door quicker than I expected, I’m only slightly surprised when it opens without my having to ring the bell. I greet my mother with a smile of hello but she walks past me to water her plants. Somehow I’ve managed to upset her by my presence alone and now I’m tempted to return home. However the comfort of simply being around my family entices me to stay.In the hallway leading to the living room I see my stepfather David watching TV from his favorite spot on the couch. I’m not at all surprised by the lack of acknowledgement to my presence. On the TV a news anchor talks using words that might as well be gibberish and it makes me wish I had more interest in what is happening in the world today.
I sidetrack to the kitchen and see my brother Michael sitting at the kitchen table Staring at nothing and waiting for god knows what. The blank look on his face makes me want to say something silly to get him to smile but the impulse sticks in my throat. For a moment I worry about all the time he must spend alone but I push the thought aside because I know he’s not really.
I turn from the kitchen, side stepping David as he ambles in like a goon from the brut squad. Once again this is something I’ve become accustomed to. Tap dancing around family like I’ll be putting my life in danger if I even come close to contact. He passes by and I can feel that numbness expanding like a shield of stone, hardening the shell a hairsbreadth more.
I go to the living room and take my usual seat on the sofa, not bothering with the complicated mechanism for the recliner. A moment later my mom comes in, still silent. I have nothing to say. Every thought is erased the second it comes. Every word I want to say feels like a disappointment. I can hear the responding sigh to each admission of my failure in what I’d been tasked to do. Now the hard numbness ebbs into an all-encompassing empty.
David returns to the room and they start talking, smiling and laughing. I see them together in my mind and know my mom has never been happier. The thought brings tears to my eyes but I blink them away. On the TV the channels flip by as David surfs through them. I can hear my brother’s TV on in his room and I wonder why he rarely joins us here in the living room.
As the hours pass by I’m content to simply sit here in my shell, invisible and watching the world slip by. An aching feeling begs me to make my presence known and interact but I push the desire away. I’m afraid I’ll ruin something I don’t know how to name. Eventually my parents eat and once more my presence is passed over. I’m only slightly surprised but my lack of hunger keeps me quiet as the hours tic by.
As 10PM approaches I standup, gathering together my bag of belongings that I still don’t remember bringing. That thought dims though as I walk to the front door and notice no one has followed to see me out. I wait, more time passes and I resist the urge to simply storm out. I glance at the doorknob but an unknown fear fills me as the silence of the house meets my ears. I wonder back to the living room in the quiet darkness, wondering where everyone is. Standing outside my parent’s bedroom door I can hear the slight sound of snoring sleep and wonder how they got to sleep so quickly. An unexpected jarring sound startles me from that thought sending a wave of prickling fear through the numbness.
The phone is answered only after a few rings and I hear my mother’s voice. It’s quiet at first and then an urgent panic raises the tone. I stare at the door, willing myself to go through but the fear of being unwelcomed grips me tight. Inside I hear my mother breathing heavily and David trying to calm her. The worry rips at my heart and I glance away. In that moment I see a flash of my mother standing next to me as David’s voice grows louder. A second later she’s gone and I can hear her moaning inside. My vision starts to blur from nonexistent tears and I fall to my knees as the realization sets in. I try to hold on to this moment, this place, the sound of my mother’s tears, but I can feel the empty numb shell swallow me into oblivion. Memories pass and fade, silence burns, and I gasp for the breath I can no longer take.